Getting to know Stuart MacBride

The Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire is believed to reveal an individual’s true nature. We have asked 2011 Festival authors 17 questions inspired by the questionnaire in an attempt to uncover who they are…

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Lying in the sunshine, reading a book, with my cat Grendel curled up asleep on my chest. It doesn’t really get much better than that.

What does your ideal day look like?

It has a morning, noon, afternoon, prevening, evening, and night. And I get to be outside for some of it seeing friends, rather than sitting in my study (the coldest room in the house), chained to my desk and lying about people who don’t exist.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Having a day off. I mean a whole day, not just an hour doing some other pressing task before going back to work, but a whole day doing nothing but lounging about with my wife and cat, reading books, watching a good film, cooking something fancy, and dipping into a nice bottle of wine. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA… *ahem* I think I probably manage about three of these a year. And even then I usually feel guilty that I’m not writing.

What possession would you be heartbroken if you lost?

The laptop with the book I’m writing on it. That would be both heartbreaking and a pain in the arse. Other than that, I’m not particularly materialistic.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Thinner, younger, hairier, happier. OK, so that’s four things, but it’s my interview and I’ll cheat if I want to. Not taking work so seriously all the time would be nice. And while we’re at it, I’d also like super powers and a hot tub.

What childhood fear has followed you into adulthood?

I used to be terrified of the Cybermen from Doctor Who when I was little. Thankfully I’ve conquered that, as it’s very difficult to appear urbane and sophisticated when you’re hiding behind the couch.

Do you take comfort in darkness or light?

It all depends on what I’m doing. I mean, if I’m hiding in someone’s bushes then darkness is the best, but if I’m planning some sort of heist then light’s what I want. Mostly I take comfort in my cat.

Do you remember your dreams?

Most of the time. They tend to be convoluted and frequently bizarre. But then we will insist on eating cheese before bedtime. I’m still waiting for one of them to produce a decent idea for a book though.

How do you collect snippets of observations and ideas that come to you unexpectedly?

I’m always on the lookout for them, so it’s never really that unexpected. But my trusty iPod Touch is stuffed to the lug-holes with notes, and snippets of dialogue, and ideas for plot twists, and new books.

What emotions do you experience when you sit down to begin a new work?

Excitement, a feeling that this is going to be the book that’s going to be as good as I want it to be, that it’s going to be easy and fun to write, that I’ll look back at with a chest swollen with pride… Swiftly followed by loads of swearing and the realization that it’s going to be an utter bastard to write – just like all its predecessors – and that I should give up and go retrain to be a plumber. People always need plumbers.

What is your favourite way to avoid writing?

Cooking, though I can’t afford to spend too long doing it. That’s the problem with contracts and deadlines – either I get my backside in a chair and work, or I end up disappointing a lot of people. And I really don’t want to do that.

Does being in love propel or postpone your work?

It makes absolutely no difference to it. Time, tides, and deadlines couldn’t give a monkey’s fart what emotional state you’re in. (yes, I have an overdeveloped work ethic)

How do you work under pressure?

Grumpily. I’ve been doing it for the last three years now and it’s not my favourite state of being. Weeks of getting very little sleep and seeing nothing but a computer screen make Stuart a dull boy.

What published book do you secretly wish you had written?

The House at Pooh Corner by AA Milne. I’d love to write a book that people loved and carried with them for their entire lives. Something that they could share their passion for with their own kids, and have it live on for generations. I could definitely live without the crass commercial exploitation though.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

William Shakespeare. Not because of the writing (clearly he’s always going to have the edge on me there), but with the high forehead and the beard we look a bit alike. I could be his chunky older brother, who’s a bit of an embarrassment at family reunions.

If you were reincarnated as a person or a thing, who or what would you be?

I’m going to invoke the powers of concurrent reincarnation and come back as my own cat. There can’t be a better life than that – loved all the time, get to spend loads of time asleep in the sun, spoiled rotten, and all the crunchy mice you can catch.

Tell us one thing you can’t prove but believe is true…

I believe that gravity will eventually prove to be an iceberg-style force-carrying particle where only the tip protrudes into our four-dimensions with the bulk of it residing in (and working on) higher dimensional space. And that people who wear white socks with black shoes are much more likely to catch haemorrhoids.

Thank you to Dany Laferriere, CBC and Vanity Fair for the inspiration.